Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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