; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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