haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
