i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you will always have a special place in my vag
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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