Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
