I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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