I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
