Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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