just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
