i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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