You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
