So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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