I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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