I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
