My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
