it glows. i had to have it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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