I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
