turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
