apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
