Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
