It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
