Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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