Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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