Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize