Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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