she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Randomize
