I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
