Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
