No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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