He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
