Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
