My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
