Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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