sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
