I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
