ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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