I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize