I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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