Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
