I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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