Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
