you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
