Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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