I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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