of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize