It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
