I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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