I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
