I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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