so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
