I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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