just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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