literally had 100 drinks last night.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
