If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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