either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
