You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got inside last night via doggy door
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
