i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you didnt know i had herpes?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I need a burrito and a hug.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize