dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You can't motorboat a personality
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
