Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
