Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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