Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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