Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
